


Nico the teenage witch

by thecurlyone



Category: Formula 1 RPF
Genre: 1990s, AU, M/M, Teenage Drama
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-15
Updated: 2018-04-15
Packaged: 2019-04-23 09:52:56
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,263
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14329890
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thecurlyone/pseuds/thecurlyone
Summary: Romance isn't easy, especially if you are a trainee witchSabrina the teenage witch au.





	Nico the teenage witch

**Author's Note:**

> Wrote this for um... a F1 halloween challenge, i think... anyho..
> 
> Probably makes more sense if you have some knowledge of Sabrina the Teenage Witch. No Salem unfortunately cause there's no way I could do justice to the greatest character of them all.

"Why me?" Mika said, after he'd failed to shove the door closed in time. 

"I raised you," Keke replied, puffing on a magic cigar. Each puff of smoke turned into a little race car that flew around Mika's head, making his eyes water before dissipating. 

"You let me sleep on your balcony. Sometimes!"

"It's already agreed with the Witches' Council."

"Fuck," Mika said. Keke shrugged and disappeared. "Better come in then," Mika said to Nico who had little sparks of magic dancing in his hair. 

That and the general teenage greasiness meant he was reflecting quite a lot of sunlight. It had the overall effect of a disco ball dropped in a deep fat fryer. Mika slid his sunglasses on. "Don't want any mortals seeing you."

Nico nodded morosely and pulled his Louis Vuitton suitcase in behind him. "How long do I have to stay?"

"Until you get your Witches License and won't accidentally turn your mum into stone by looking at her."

Nico sniffed and a nearby flower vase turned into a pigeon. 

"Could be a while,” Mika said as the pigeon shit on his Persian rug.

*****

"Mortals are the worst!" Nico declared, throwing himself on Mika's Louis XIV couch.

"Louis XIV gave me that," Mika said, sipping tea from his 14th century Ming dynasty china cup. Nico grabbed a cushion and screamed into it. It was 300-years old and hand embroidered by blind Italian nuns. 

"The Worst," Nico said again when he was finished destroying priceless stitching with his spit. 

"I don't know," Mika said, thinking of his former fiancé who had left him at the altar 13 times and then sent him an apology bratwurst. "Witches can be terrible too."

"Never this bad," Nico told him determinedly. 

"Another fight with Lewis?" Mika guessed. 

"No," Nico pouted.

It was always a fight with Lewis. Not that Mika really considered it a proper fight if there weren't any swords involved.

"Hmm." Mika hated teenagers. If Mika remembered being a teenager he might have been more sympathetic but that was 6 centuries ago and he had more important things to think about, like the 1998 Hugo Boss autumn-winter collection.

"I told him I couldn't go to the Halloween dance with him because I have a family thing and he broke up with me!"

"You only started dating yesterday."

"But it's love!" Nico whined. "And now he's ruined it!"

"He wouldn't hold hands with you last week because it was 'gay'."

"Do I have to go to the Halloween Social???"

"It's compulsory for trainee witches. It's important that you...go. Vettel is modernising the whole witch training process...and..." Mika, frankly, didn't want to go either. People might talk to him. 

"Please Mika, think of something! My love life is important too."

"You broke up with him on Tuesday because he made a joke about witches being ugly."

"I'm not ugly," Nico pouted.

"He doesn't know witches exist and he's been influenced by mortal propaganda." Mika was tired of this argument. He zapped another cup of tea in front of Nico. "Drink that, it'll make you feel better.

"Thanks," Nico said, "can you show me how to curse Lewis so he gets a bald spot?"

"Potions work better on hair," Mika replied.

*****

Lewis pointedly ignored him at school the next day. Nico had the hair begone potion tucked away in a flask in case Lewis was mean to him but he didn't say a thing to him all day.

“He was showing other people his dog photos,” Nico said miserably when Mika asked him how school went that day.

Mika wasn't sure if it was the greatest love story of all time but it definitely was the most annoying. 

*****

Nico had a plan the following day. He'd spent 15 minutes coming up with it and then 2.5 hours zapping himself into the perfect outfit. “You can come to my family thing!” he told Lewis excitedly when he saw him, not giving him a chance to run away.

“Really? Wait... is this going to be a boring thing?”

“Yeah,” Nico said, no sense in lying. “But we’ll be there so it’ll be cool.”

This logic was indisputable for Lewis. “I don’t know if I want to meet your family, y’know?”

“You don’t have to talk to them. In fact, you can’t!”

“Why?” Lewis said dubiously.

“They’ve all taken a vow of silence.” 

“Oh. Okay.” He'd met Mika before so this wasn't implausible.

Nico grinned. "Great! Here, you'll need this."

"What is it?" Lewis asked, taking the scrap of fabric.

"It's a blindfold! The… eh… the location is a secret. So you can't see where we're going."

If Lewis thought it was suspicious, he didn't say but he did show Nico the new polaroids he'd taken of his dog so Nico counted it as a great success. 

*****

Getting to the Other realm went off without a hitch. Nico had convinced Mika that he'd wanted to go on his own because it was cooler and Mika could meet him later. Then he'd snuck Lewis into their Other realm portal.

"Okay," Nico whispered, peering out at the party. If he was quick he could out in an appearance and then we out of here "You stay here."

"Why are you whispering?" Lewis asked, "I thought this was a party. And why do I have to stay here!"

"Um…" shit. "It's a silent party."

"A what???"

"Yeah."

"You're just fucking with me, Nico. I can hear people talking. I'm leaving."

"No. No, wait. I'm hiding you from my relatives. You don't want to talk to them do you?"

Lewis folded his arms and looked like he wanted to argue. But Nico was right, he really didn't want to talk to Nico's relatives. That was too much like they were dating.

"Okay. But be back in 5 minutes!"

Nico grinned and darted off. 

Of course, the person he wanted to avoid the most was waiting for him.

Vettel was head of Witch Training and Nico hated him. He was always smugly dismissive of Nico's spell work. Nico knew he was jealous.

“Hello Trainee Rosberg.”

“Hello, sir,” Nico said, trying not to get drawn into one of Vettel’s mammoth conversations or look at his haircut. Once he has said good morning and had been trapped for four hours. 

“Tell me, Trainee Rosberg, the 87 hexes Witches are required to know to obtain their license.”

“What? I thought this was a party!”

“It is. That’s why I didn’t ask for detailed descriptions.”

Nico groaned. His only consolation was Vettel's receding hairline. 

*****

When Nico finally escaped, he made his way to the refreshments table. His throat was sore from talking. He hoped Lewis was still sitting out of sight and not talking to anyone like Nico told him to do.

"Lewis? Lewis?"

No answer. Nico ducked around the corner, "Lewis if you've wandered off I swear-,"

Mika's expression, like his outfit, was entirely neutral. A small potted cactus sat at his feet. "Good news," Mika told him without affect. "He's a cactus now so he can't break up with you anymore."

"Noooo. No. No. No. What happened?" Nico said, rushing over to pick up cactus-Lewis.

"You brought a mortal into the Other Realm."

"Did you-,"

"No."

"Who did?"

"You realise that you left him in the same room as a retired Mortal hunter."

"Who?!"

Vettel cleared his throat and stepped out from a convenient patch of fog. "Teaching is my real passion. But I had to step in when I found him near the cocktail sausages." Nico clutched cactus-Lewis tighter. "You brought a mortal here, Rosberg. He must be transfigured so he can't expose us. That's the law."

"Well the law is wrong!"

"Want to tell the Witches' Council that?" Sebastian said with a nasty grin.

"Yes!" Nico snapped.

Sebastian laughed in disbelief. "What?"

Nico squared his shoulders defiantly. Cactus-Lewis pricked him. "Ow! I mean! I'm going to take this all the way to the Witches Council! And Mika is going to help me!"

Mika sighed loudly. "You been summoned anyway…"

Sebastian snorted. "Please. The only thing those inefficient dinosaurs will do is turn you into an aloe. Maybe they'll give you and your little boyfriend there some matching pots if you're lu-,"

"Shut up," Mika said, sensing that Seb was about to talk for 5 to 6 hours on the inadequacies of the Witches' ruling body without pause. "No wonder Kimi is avoiding you."

Seb's eyes widened. "You haven't seen him, have you?" He sounded desperate. “He gets lost so easily!”

"We're leaving," Mika said, pulling Nico by the arm. 

*****

"Now what?" Nico said miserably as he looked at cactus-Lewis in his gold lamé covered pot. He was open-minded but he didn't think he could date a plant.

Mika shrugged, "Witches Council are the only ones with the power to change him back but Seb's right. You're in trouble."

"Could you do something please?" Nico said, turning the sad eyes of a tiny puppy with a thorn in its paw on him. 

"No."

"But you were on the Council!"

"And quit."

That was 400 years ago. The Council hadn't made a unanimous decision since. 

"You know them, maybe you can change their minds!"

"Not about this."

*****

The clerk had tried to put handcuffs on Nico and cactus-Lewis when they arrived since they were technically under arrest but Mika shooed him away. "Go away Marlin, we're not going to run."

"It's Martin!”

“Um…”

We were roommates in college!"

Mika shrugged. 

"I was your clerk when you were on the Council." Mika stared at him blankly. 

"What are they like?" Nico whispered when Martin shuffled away in a huff. 

"Three idiots."

"Is that...good?"

"Never."

Martin-the-clerk stepped into the waiting room again. "Court is now in session for Rosberg vs the Witch Species. Proceed to the chamber room."

"I thought this was Council! Not Court!" Nico hissed. 

Mika looked grim and led him in.

"All rise for the Witches' Council," Martin-the-clerk announced as the Council swept into the room, mist and cloaks billowing as they advanced. 

"We're already standing," Nico pointed out. Martin-the-clerk glared at him.

Mika ignored them both and nodded in greeting to each of the council members even though he thought they were bigger fools than Nico. 

"Mika," the head of the council said, sounding delighted. "What brings you here?"

Mika eyed him suspiciously. "Is that a yellow velvet trim on your cloaks?"

"It's gold!"

Martin-the-clerk cleared his throat. "Trainee Witch Rosberg is accused of bringing a mortal into-,"

"Yes, yes." Mika said dismissively. "Turn the cactus back. I have a hair appointment in an hour."

Michael, head of the council, was looking sour now. "It's not that simple. If he brought a mortal here on purpose, he must face the consequences. You know our laws as well as anyone."

Nico wasn't sure about that, but he was sure he wasn't going to be preached at by a man wearing socks with sandals. He stepped forward, hoping to exude the same indifferent confidence Mika had. Cactus-Lewis pricked him again. "Ow! Ouch." He shifted Lewis to his other hand. "Lewis was punished without anyone hearing our side of the story."

"Who?" said Jacques. There was a grease stain on his robe and half a hotdog sticking out of his pocket. 

"The plant, idiot," Michael snapped.

"I don't see an _idiot plant_ , but I do see an id-,"

Mika cleared his throat loudly. Damon nodded to Mika as if he was some benevolent authority and not as big a fool as the other two. "Let's hear the boy out."

Nico flipped his hair from his face, "Lewis is madly in love with me. I came here alone and he sneaked after me."

"Sounds like your Other Realm portal isn't hidden well enough," Michael declared and then deflated when Mika glared at him. "Oh, ah. Well, that's a completely unrelated matter." Jacques and Damon snickered. 

"I told him I was going to a family party and he followed. He had no idea he was coming here. Neither of us are to blame."

"That doesn't sound remotely believable," Damon said. 

"Families have parties!" Nico cried.

"I propose that-," Damon said.

"I object," Michael said immediately.

"You can't-,"

"I can!"

Nico looked over at Mika helplessly as the Council broke down into childish squabbling and at least one chair was smashed. 

"Quitting was the best thing I ever did," Mika told him.

"Lewis is innocent," Nico said loudly. "So he should be turned back into a person."

"You have no proof he's innocent," Michael said, releasing Jacques from a headlock and massaging a bite on his bicep.

"No proof he's guilty," Mika said, looking like he remembered exactly why he vowed never to come back.

"Not as such."

"Turn him back then."

The Council exchanged a hate-filled glance. 

"Not so fast!" Seb said, appearing in a flash of lightning and grinning maniacally. 

Nico groaned.

"Fuck off," Mika whispered.

"Never!" Seb said, "Not until justice is done!"

"Kimi's on Pluto."

Seb disappeared in a puff of smoke. 

"So…," Mika said, clearing his throat, "No proof."

"Did you just bribe the only witness in front of us?" Damon said incredulously. 

"No."

"You did!"

"There's no proof he was a witness," Nico said, catching on to Mika's game. 

Damon glared at him. He really seemed to hate him for some reason. 

“It’s only a mortal,” Jacques said. “You’ll find another.”

“No, I won’t! He’s my true love.”

“So what? That doesn’t excuse this!”

Mika coughed. “The Gomez amendment,” he whispered to Nico.

“Yes, it does! The..um…The Gomez amendment!”

Damon looked confused. Jacques was sneakily taking bites of his hotdog. Michael glared at Mika. 

“True love gets a free pass,” Mika said with a shrug.

Nico grinned. He had them now.

“We’ll need a cupid then,” Michael said with a sniff. "To test your claim that it is true love."

“Get a cupid? On Halloween? Are you mad? Their union would be up in arms!” Damon argued. “No, we can’t test it that way.”

“There must be another,” Nico said. “Please.”

“There are no other ways to test it,” Damon told him severely. 

“Except the Test of True Love!” Michael said. Damon turned puce. Michael looked pleased.

*****

“All gather for The Test of True Love!” Martin shouted even though it was completely unnecessary. They were all standing nearby. “If the defendant proves their love is true then the mortal shall be returned to his original form.”

“Yes!” said Nico.

“The plant shall prove his love!” Martin cried.

“What” said Nico.

*****

“Okay, Lewis, I’m going to get us out of this,” he whispered and then glanced around to check to see if anyone was listening. Mika was studiously examining his nails. The Head of the Witches Council was edging closer to him. The fat Canadian was slumped against a tree. Martin-the-clerk was conferring with Damon. “I can pass any test for us.” Cactus-Lewis said nothing. 

Nico gently patted his pot for luck. “Goddammit. Stop pricking me Lewis!”

*****

“Why are we in a swamp? Why are there sharks in the swamp? Is that a purple gibbon?!” Nico complained as Mika led him to the tower. “Oh my god. Is that a Rapunzel tower?”

“Yes but Rapunzel moved out years ago so they’ve been locking other people in there since then.”

“Wait, they’re going to lock me in there?”

“Yeah. Lewis has until sundown to rescue you.”

“Rescue?? HE’S A CACTUS.” Nico hoped he wasn't hyperventilating. 

Mika rubbed his temple, trying to stave off the oncoming headache. “That’s the test.”

“That makes no sense! How can we prove its true love if all he can do is photosynthesise!”

“True love finds a way.” Mika looked apologetic. “I thought they’d get a cupid. Their union is stronger than I thought.”

Nico bit his lip, “We might not have passed that test.”

"Of course, you would." Mika said, "It's always true love when you're 16"

Nico perked up. “Maybe we can pass this one too.”

Mika chuckled. “No. You’re stuck in a tower and he has 4 hours to rescue you.”

“They could have at least gave him arms,” Nico grumbled.

*****

Four hours later the tower door magically swung open and Nico trudged wearily back to where he’s left Lewis. He’d failed. 

The Council were waiting for him on deckchairs. Martin sat in the swamp looking ecstatic. 

“Trainee Rosberg,” Damon said, looking smug, “You have failed to prove that the cactus is your true love so he shall remain a cactus for the rest of his life.”

“No,” Nico said, bottom lip wobbling. “It’s not his fault.”

"In addition, you are being given 500 hours of Witch Community Service and 6 months probation. Your uncle-,"

"I am not his uncle," Mika corrected.

“ _Your guardian_ , for failing to control you, will be required to do 200 hours of Witch Community service."

“Ugh,” Mika said, disgusted. “The sooner someone overthrows you three the better.” They gasped. Mika would overthrow them, but he was enjoying his early retirement too much. “Come on Nico. Let’s get you home.” Mika gently steered him away. Nico sniffed, rubbing tears from his eyes.

*****

Nico couldn’t sleep. Leaving cactus-Lewis on his bedside table, he made his way downstairs. DC was in the kitchen, sipping a hot witch whiskey. “Couldn’t sleep kid?”

Nico shook his head and sat down. “What am I going to tell everyone?”

DC swirled his whiskey about and spilled some. “I wouldn’t worry. Mortals disappear all the time, we’ll just saw he was last seen boarding a whaling ship bound for the South Seas.”

“They don’t whale much anymore. Not in Monte Carlo...”

“Huh. Okay, well how old was he? 17? 16? Mortals don’t live past 20 much anyway so we’ll just distract everyone for a few years.”

“They can live to 120 now.”

DC whistled. “Boy, my info on mortals is well out of date. But a cactus isn’t so bad. They’re very hardy plants! Almost impossible to kill.”

Nico really, really didn’t want to talk to DC anymore. “Where’s Mika?”

“He went out for a while. Asked me to watch you. Want a whiskey?”

“I’m 16, it’s illegal.”

“Things have really taken a turn for the worst in this realm.”

*****

Mika shakes him awake the following morning. “You’re drooling on my sea urchin silk table cloth.”

“Sorry, Mika,” Nico mumbled, his neck was stiff from sleeping on the kitchen table. 

Mika smiled. “I have good news.”

“You found plant food.”

"I went to convince the Council that it was true love but someone beat me to it. So you have Sebastian to thank."

"Vettel convinced them we are in love?" Nico said dubiously.

Mika chuckled. "No! Of course not! Still hates your guts. He'd overthrew the Council before I got there. Turned them into garden gnomes. I just told him I'd keep quiet in exchange for Lewis."

“Omg! Does this mean?”

“You still have to do community service but Lewis will turn back into a person at dawn.”

Nico jumped up and squeezed Mika tightly. “Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!” 

“Enough,” Mika said. “Go.”

Nico grinned and ran upstairs. “I have good news,” he told cactus-Lewis. “Come dawn we can hold hands again!”

*****

"I stole that chaise longue from Freud." Mika said when he found DC sleeping with his feet on the sofa. 

"I know. I helped you get it out the window, remember?" DC replied, yawning. "Old Sigmund could move pretty quick when he was angry." He sat up, stretching. "Nice garden gnome."

"Thanks," said Mika, placing the gnome on his coffee table. 

 


End file.
